Half a Dozen Babies

You've probably seen at least part of Half a Dozen Babies on LMN before. You know...that movie where the lady gives birth to a half a dozen babies? But in case you haven't seen it, or you'd just like to relieve this fluffy, Hallmark Channel-esque Lifetime movie classic, you've come to the right place.

Half a Dozen Babies is about Becki and Keith Dilley, who spawned the first living sextuplets born in America (in 1993). The TV movie based on their life (from 1999) is a mostly light-hearted tale that begins at a pizza restaurant, where both Keith and Becki work (real life fun fact: it was really a Wendy's). Keith is impressed with Becki's ability to wrangle a parentless children's birthday party, and it's not long before they're fucking behind a pizza crust-filled dumpster and getting married. (The dumpster sex isn't mentioned, but I assume it happened, because that's what I would do if I worked at Papa John's and was boning my coworker. Just sayin'.)

Melissa and Scott Reeves, the married couple
who play the Dilleys, are soap stars #awkwardphoto 
But Alas, Keith and Becki's dreams of having a children's pizza party of their own are dashed when their fertility doctor gets all technical and says, "you both have problems with your plumbing." Apparently adoption isn't an option, because Becki becomes obsessed with procreating. She starts hallucinating positive results to her pregnancy tests, and taking major hormones. You can't help but feel sorry for her human turkey-baster, Keith, who finally has had enough of her personal Pregnancy Pact bullshit.

Becki promises to stop injecting the 'mones but--surprise!--as they're trimming the Christmas tree she announces that she pawned her wedding ring to buy one last, super-powerful babymaker in a syringe. Luckily, this horrible betrayal doesn't keep Keith from getting a boner, and that night he shoots her up and impregnates her (also not shown). But--surprise!--he's impregnated her with HALF A DOZEN BABIES!

(Sidenote: Up until the babies are born (like halfway through the movie) the doctors keep saying that Becki is pregnant with five babies. Unfortunately, due to TV's need for a snappy title, the sixth baby hiding under her spleen is hardly a surprise. But for some reason, waiting for everyone to find out about the sixth baby kept me from changing the channel the first three or four times I saw this movie.)

Becki has always wanted stretch marks! Enjoy, Becki!
Becki is delighted by the fact that she's as pregnant as a dog. She's not going to let it get her down that her doctor said her fetuses are all at severe risk of disabilities and death because she was too Christainy to abort a couple of them. She's too excited about getting stretch marks! Who cares if she has to get her cervix stitched up so she doesn't start accidentally dropping fetuses on the floor? Just think of all the amazing, fun-filled Christmases to come that will have to be paid for with pawned jewelry!

But even with the cervix stitches, Becki ends up bedridden (yet still cheerful) at the hospital. The hospital assembles a top-notch medical team to delivery her litter, and when "the sheer mass of babies and fluid" causes her face to become paralyzed, it's go time! Before Becki goes into surgery, she begs Keith not to "sign any forms," because she doesn't care at all if she dies and leaves him with six babies to take care of.

Becki grasps her giant prosthetic belly while bedridden.
Luckily, the babies are delivered without complication, except for that sixth one hiding under the spleen. Becki and Keith are surprisingly sensible enough to give them names that begin with different letters of the alphabet, and after some fun media interviews, Brenna, Quinn, Claire, Ian, and Adrian are on their way home. Julian, who was having respiratory problems, follows after some intense days spent crying while on a ventilator.

Meanwhile, did I tell you that Keith's mom is Terri Garr, and she's dying? Well, she has cerebral palsy (and lung cancer?), and she and Becki became phone pals while they were both hospital-ridden. We all get a precious few scenes with Ms. Garr, as she lives just long enough for the babies to get out of the hospital to meet her. Then she has a touching scene where she asks Becki's mother (the brilliant Judith Ivey, aka the sister from Hello Again) about loving the babies for the both of them. I dare you not to tear up.

Six babies at once is adorable!
Becki and Keith and their six infants have no choice but to move in with Becki's parents, because Keith's career has not progressed past working at a coleslaw factory. The six babies cry and coo on cue (depending on the scene), and the movie hits its high point with a montage of adorable sextuplet conundrums like laundry and bottle feeding, set to Amy Grant's "Baby, Baby."

Soon, Becki suggests to Keith that maybe she should go back to being a nurse while he stays home since "I make three times what you do." And I laughed and laughed that Keith had wasted so much time chopping cabbages because of outdated gender roles. Becki gets her Lifetime-mandated "I am woman, hear me roar" moment when someone interviewing her asks her if she can balance having a job and six babies, and she responds that she's doing what's best for her family.

The next thing you know, Becki's coming home from work without her purse or even her front door keys in her hand. Keith has experienced some wacky, Mr. Mom-style adventures during his day, but he informs her that he did manage a hot dinner...pizza delivery! Oh Becki and Keith, life sure is zany when you have Half a Dozen Babies!!!!! Just wait until Jon and Kate come along.

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