Thursday, August 2, 2012

No One Would Tell


The fact that No One Would Tell stars Candace Cameron and Fred Savage and features a cameo from Sally Jessy Raphael at the end means that I will watch it pretty much every time it's on LMN. I just wish this "Monday Night Movie" from May 6, 1996 had anything remotely unexpected in it, because I will continue to watch it repeatedly even though it's kind of awful.

I guess Fred and Candace were a natural pairing, since they're the same age and appeared on popular sitcoms from 1988 to 1993 (Full House went on longer, but it was no longer popular by then). But because Candace played the oldest sibling, and Fred the youngest, it never occurred to me that they could be dating. (Plus, Kevin Arnold lived in the 60s. Problematic.) So No One Would Tell is fun to watch drunk just to see Candace and Fred get it on, by-the-lake style.

But unfortunately, the movie follows the typical Lifetime pattern, so Fred (and all other men) in the movie are the worst assholes ever. No One Would Tell also includes the weird and annoying TV movie habit of having the first scene of the movie be a replay of the climax of the entire film. So it begins with Candace and a letter-jacketed Fred in a fight, Candace telling Fred it's over and Fred telling Candace (by choking her) that he does not agree. Fred then returns to his truck with his hands covered in blood. His friend, Claire's no-good boyfriend from Six Feet Under, is all, "What'd you do, man??!!"

Then we flash back to six months earlier, so we can watch a bunch of scenes of Candace and Fred being cute together knowing that he's a crazy psycho who's going to end up beating her to death. Um, fun? Candace also has a best friend from the cast of Six Feet Under (Vanessa Diaz), along with a second best friend, played by James Van Der Beek's ex-wife. Candace spends much of the film gushing to her besties about how hot Fred is, then denying that he's a total asshole.

Every teenaged boy in a Lifetime movie plays a sport;
Fred's a wrestler.

Fred woos Candace by presenting her with an artificial rose and asking her to spot him while he lifts weights at school. They're soon toasting marshmallows over a fake-log-covered gas jet in the sand by the lake, and she gamely mounts him to splash other ladies in the water.

But there's trouble in 90s Sitcom Crossover Land. Fred gets super-pissed when Candace hangs out with her other friends, especially if a guy is involved. He flips out when she finally meets his mom, who's waiting for him in a parking lot. And more and more bruises are showing up on her body.... Like any Lifetime movie about teens, her friends gossip behind her back, and even say that his ex didn't move, she transferred schools to get away with him! But since they didn't have cellphone cameras back then, they do nothing.

The props dept. apparently had a lot
of fake roses, because Fred gives them to
her on at least 3 occasions in the movie.
Candace's mom is equally unhelpful. She has a creepy boyfriend who can't stop kissing her neck even when company is over. Candace is super-judgmental of the "crappy" way the boyfriend treats her mom, but it totally unaware that beating someone is pretty crappy. She tells her mom it's "nothing" when she finds a giant bruise on her neck, and the mom's like, "Are you sure? And why are your grades suddenly bad? Oh, nevermind, my boyfriend is here to pick me up."

It's about at this point that Fred breaks out the crazy eyes--did they give him pupil dilators? He shows up unexpectedly in her bedroom, confessing that his parents are drunks and that their intense, high school love is forever.

Candace is all "WTF?" as Fred
drags her from the 50s dance.
Then in the next scene, he and Candace are attending the school dance. It's 50s themed, so everyone has dressed up in poodle skirts and is swing-dancing to 50s music, rather than wearing expensive dresses they found at the mall and complaining that they aren't playing "Where Do You Go" by No Mercy. Fred and Candace are some of the best 50s dancers at school, and all goes well until Candace talks to another guy! Fred drags her out of the dance and starts to smack her around some more, and she finally dumps his ass.

But after talking to him on the pay phone at the bowling alley, she has a change of heart, and agrees to go for a ride with him in his pick-up truck. The dude from Six Feet Under is there, so you know what's next....but Lifetime assumes you just switched over from 60 Minutes and plays the death scene for you again.

After Candace is murdered, the usual Lifetime silliness occurs, where the cops are completely worthless and don't don't even bring Fred in for questioning. Eventually James Van Der Beek's ex figures it all out and tells the cops. They bring in the Six Feet Under guy, who confesses that Fred "was whacked" that evening, and they play the blood/"What'd you do, man??!!" part of the death scene over again. When the cops finally bring Fred in, they play the scene again, but this time we see that Fred had a knife that he used to stab Candace in the neck. Then he duct-taped her into a plastic bag and threw her in the lake. :(

Sally Jessy explains that we are all responsible for
Candace Cameron's death.
Lest you think that--and a "Nooooo!!!! Whhhhyyyy!!!!" scene from the mom--is the end, Sally Jessy Raphael is here to tell you otherwise. Third billed, she appears in the movie for several seconds as the judge at Fred's trial. In a voiceover during a montage of scenes where Fred was being a dick to Candace, she admonishes everyone who saw him handling her roughly. You see, this isn't just a schlocky made-for-TV movie, it's a schlocky made-for-TV movie inspired by something that totally could have happened (I'm talking about Candace Cameron and Fred Savage getting together....Is he Christian?)!

Van Der Beek's Ex cries her eyes out while emptying out Candace's locker and--oh my god!--the artificial roses he's been giving her turned into real, dead roses with cobwebs on them! Creepy!! Candace's mom breaks up with the bad-news boyfriend, and all of Candace's friends are very, very sorry. Fred gets life in prison and isn't seen again, until years later when he's spotted in Danny DeVito's tailer. Sally Jessy Raphael was canceled in 2002.

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