"A girl like that should get married and raise a whole bunch of kids, put her hang-ups into something worthwhile."
—Elvis Presley to Mary Tyler Moore in "Change of Habit"Every year, shortly before or after Thanksgiving, Lifetime shelves its usual rotation out of control teen dramas and movies where a woman gets raped because no one felt like writing her backstory. It's the holidays, ladies!! Time to stop killing your husbands and becoming meth dealers to support your families. Instead, it's time to believe in love like you married your high school sweetheart and watch the Hallmark channel exclusively.
In fact, during the month of December, Lifetime movies are remarkably similar to Hallmark movies. Like Lifetime, Hallmark only has about a dozen plots it recycles over and over, and one such plot is a successful, yet boyfriendless city woman experiencing an alternate life as a country lady and finding love. This popular Lifetime Christmas movie subgenre--which is what this review is all about--troubles me. Because I myself am a city lady, and I am extremely successful by Lifetime standards, if I do say so myself. I'm engaged, and I'm a book editor! Granted I work exclusively in sweatpants and don't have have a sassy assistant, but I do work my ass off, and my hot fiance wears suits to work. So it's only a matter of time before I find him in bed with my best friend in a hilarious, yet humiliating TV-PG sexual situation.
|Kristin Chenoweth (from "Pushing Daises") is unfit for|
rock climbing, and has to be rescued by a hot fireman. Yay, Country!
Once that happens, I'll simply wait to find myself in a small American town, and attend their tree-lighting ceremony. Perhaps I'll get an "assignment" out there from my hardnosed boss. Or maybe I'll have to go out to meet with an author who does not have a phone. (If you're not a writer/editor like me, you will probably end up in the country hiding from the mob at an FBI agent's wacky parents' house.)
|All I want for Christmas is rustic-osity|
"But wait!" you're saying, "I don't want to have kids!" Well that's before you experienced Christmas magic, which made you realize that what you really want to do is live in a small town, where you can pop out some kids who you can pull in a sled.
And now you're all, "Christmas magic? I'm fucking Jewish!" Well not if you're on Lifetime you're not.
|Except for one scene at the gym early|
on, Nancy McKeon doesn't wear a
single sweatshirt and is sadly un-
Jo Polniaczek-like in "Comfort & Joy"
I haven't seen "Eve's Christmas," which has the exact same plot except with some star-wishing magic. I've saving it for next year. (After making sure to catch the Hallmark classic "A Family Thanksgiving")
|Hayden Panettiere (left), future Lifetime Movie royalty,|
in "If You Believe"
In "The Twelve Men of Christmas," one of my favorite of the city girl becoming a country woman genre, the only Christmas magic needed is a fireman hot bods calendar.
|In "Holiday Switch," Nicole Eggart may have a|
fur coat, but she doesn't have an adorable child
So maybe Christmas is more fun when you have a bunch of kids around to pretend like it means something. But what still confuses me is why anyone would ever decide they want to move to the country mid-winter?? You have to warm up your car, shovel your own walk, and pay your own heating bill. And no one is going to deliver homemade lentil soup to your door. I mean, a fireplace sounds cozy, but I love December in New York. The lights on everything look fantastic, it's the best place to do holiday shopping, and there are lots of boozy parties to go to. Plus, no suburban barbecues to be jealous of. The air smells crisp and free of rotting garbage, and the roaches mostly go away.
So go move in with your country fella who's never lived outside his small town, city girls! Leave the businessmen with studio apartments to those who deserve them.
|Kristin Chenoweth's ultimate reward in "12 Men of|
Christmas." Maybe staying in the country WAS worth it.