Thursday, July 28, 2011

Mini's First Time



Three Ways to Know Your Movie Is Destined for Lifetime: 1) It was only released on seven screens 2) It has a ho in it 3) The ho kills her ho mom.

Yes, "Mini's First Time" is so spectacularly bad that it would be the perfect Lifetime movie--except it has Alec Baldwin in it, and he fucks his teenaged stepdaughter. And we're talking "The Departed" era Alec Baldwin (2006), not "Prelude to a Kiss" era Alec Baldwin (1992, obvs). But lest you think that his stepdaughter, a young woman named Mini (short for "Minerva") is being taken advantage of, you should know that Alec really can't be blamed for initiating their sexual relationship. See, Mini decided that she'd become a call girl for kicks and some extra cash. After being disappointed that her first client only wanted to cry on her shoulder rather than stick his penis in one of her orifices, Mini finds that her second client is her own stepfather.

She dashes into the bathroom before he can see her and studies herself in the mirror, as young prostitutes on their second day of work are wont to do. Then, in voice-over narration (yes, this movie really was destined for Lifetime), she says, "I mean, why not? He wasn't my real dad." (Yes, the fact that they even tried to release this movie rather than just selling it directly to Lifetime is amazing.) So, in a Southern accent, she yells through the door that he should turn off the light, then comes out and blindfolds him with his tie.

I'm sorry to report that Carrie Ann Moss from "The Matrix"
movies is the mom is this putrid movie
Who among us hasn't had sex with someone without seeing them well enough to decipher whether or not they're your stepchild? When Alec Baldwin falls into this trap, he decides to just go along with it and fuck his stepdaugther all over his house. His wife (Mini's mom) is a total ho who's drunk all the time, so who cares? And Mini likes sex and is 18, so we're supposed to find it all Cruel Intentions-y and not totally sick and weird when Alec performs oral sex on her under her bearskin comforter.

The movie was barely a half an hour in at this point, so I wasn't surprised when Mini and Alec start talking about killing Mini's mom. But Alec still has a shred of guilt left in him, so they decide to slip drugs into her booze to make her crazy (?) so they can ship her off to the looney bin. After she goes into a rage because her massage therapist is fucking someone else during her fucking time (because every wealthy suburb has a hot massage therapist guy who sleeps with his clients, duh), they decide to have someone come "pretend to kill her" so they can tell a doctor she's seeing things.

I really wish Alec had not worn khakis in this film. There's
also one part where he dances on the beach. Don't watch.
Are you shocked that the plan goes wrong and Mini's mom ends up dead? Uh...OK. Well are you shocked that Luke Wilson plays the detective investigating the murder? Unfortunately, he doesn't have much to offer the movie except being the second-best looking guy in a suit. But his bored questions put the heat on, and Alec and Mini are even more scared after their neighbor, Jeff Goldblum, sees Alec rubbing some suntan oil on Mini's back. (And to answer your question, I have no idea how a movie with Alec Baldwin, Carrie Ann Moss, Luke Wilson, and Jeff Goldblum got so bad.)

Naturally, Mini decides to bring Goldblum over to her side by fucking him. Her mom used to fuck him every now and then--as hos are wont to do with their neighbors--so Mini knows he'll definitely go for her. They do some piano playing, then Mini agrees to go on the teen dating show he produces and fuck a contestant for money.

You might think Alec Baldwin would have a big laugh over this, but instead he's really hurt that his former callgirl stepdaugther/lover would sleep with another guy. Mini has been pretty callus about his feelings lately, even going to da club and swaying back and forth under the colored strobe lights with another guy while Alec lurked in the shadows. When she stays out all night and he confronts her, she uses the "you're not my real dad" excuse again. Alec is all, "I don't want to know because I'm your stepfather, I want to know as someone who cares about you!", and I'm just like, "Ugh, Alec Baldwin, no."

Be thankful that a picture of them
screwing in the shower is not
readily available on the internet
Can you guess how the movie ends?
A. Alec ends up in jail
B. Mini gets of scott-free and drives away in a convertible
C. Everyone watching the movie is very, very grateful that Alec Baldwin has found gainful employment on "30 Rock" (even if he is dating a 27 year-old)
D. All of the above

The answer, of course, is D, but if you didn't know that, then you haven't seen many Lifetime movies. Apparently no one in this movie had seen many either, otherwise they would have known that if you make a movie about killer hos, it's not long before you'll show up on the LMN.



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