This blog may serve many purposes--entertaining you during those critical last few minutes of work where you're done for the day but your boss hasn't left yet; providing crucial plot details of Lifetime movies that googlers missed the endings of; allowing me to tell my boyfriend that we have to watch Lifetime yet again "for my craft." But perhaps its most important purpose is to make you feel better about your guilty pop culture consumption, and when it comes to the Royal Wedding (which will henceforth be capitalized), I have failed--ALMOST! For here, finally, is my review of Lifetime's "William & Kate," which was "inspired by true events."
Just like William and Kate, this movie has it all. William and Kate giggling while running through the rain? Check. Kate's parents giggling while eating ice cream out of the container in their PJs? Check. William and Kate reading by fireplace, then professing their love? Check. Kate putting a red sock in the laundry with William's white shirts? Check. Kate's Mom helping her plot on how to get William back? Unfortunately, check.
|The actors look just like the real|
thing, only William doesn't have
a bald spot and Kate is 6 in. shorter.
But Kate, William's "study partner," acts like a normal person around him. She isn't afraid to say when she's hungry, and asks him who his favorite artists are ("Monet and Cezanne," William smartly replies, "I like the way they play with light.") Kate has a boyfriend...but as soon as an Anglo prince starts flying your girlfriend around in his private jet, you might as well have a heart-to-heart in her dorm room, pack your bags, and be satisfied that your name will forever come up in a Google search when someone types in "Kate Middleton college boyfriend."
|William's eye is captured; I realize|
Jennifer Love Hewitt would have
won the Emmy for "Client List" if
it had a runway scene.
Once William and Kate start fucking, Kate insists that William meet her family, too. "Every Sunday we go to this fantastic pub, you're just going to love it!" she says to the American audience, who hasn't even noticed that in some scenes the cars are driving on the right side of the street. If you're wondering how Kate's family reacted to the prince, just envision a very special episode of 7th Heaven where royalty comes to stay at the Camden house: nervous laughter, wackiness, and luv.
William doesn't want anyone to know about their relationship, and Kate's insulted even though he was right--as soon as the public finds out about them, Kate immediately gets her crotch photographed while getting out of a car. While William's away being a fighter pilot, some old lady teaches Kate how to curtsy, and I really wished that the writers of this movie had taken the time to watch "The Princess Dairies" to see how this montage should've been done.
|American audiences are content|
to believe this movie was filmed
in London as long as there's
a double-decker bus.
Once that happens, it's only a couple of Lifetime movie minutes before he's proposing to her on one knee in front of a dazzling Africa sunset.
|Actors Nico Evers-Swindell and Camilla|
Luddington do a creepy re-enactment of
W & K's engagement photo.