William & Kate

This blog may serve many purposes--entertaining you during those critical last few minutes of work where you're done for the day but your boss hasn't left yet; providing crucial plot details of Lifetime movies that googlers missed the endings of; allowing me to tell my boyfriend that we have to watch Lifetime yet again "for my craft." But perhaps its most important purpose is to make you feel better about your guilty pop culture consumption, and when it comes to the Royal Wedding (which will henceforth be capitalized), I have failed--ALMOST! For here, finally, is my review of Lifetime's "William & Kate," which was "inspired by true events."

Just like William and Kate, this movie has it all. William and Kate giggling while running through the rain? Check. Kate's parents giggling while eating ice cream out of the container in their PJs? Check. William and Kate reading by fireplace, then professing their love? Check. Kate putting a red sock in the laundry with William's white shirts? Check. Kate's Mom helping her plot on how to get William back? Unfortunately, check.

The actors look just like the real
thing, only William doesn't have
a bald spot and Kate is 6 in. shorter.
It all begins with William's first day at St. Andrew's College. Everyone is all, omg, that guy's a prince! The girls throw themselves on him while the guys say things like, "Perhaps he'll drop his drawers and give us a royal moon," while those guy's girlfriends elbow them in the ribs for being so crass.

But Kate, William's "study partner," acts like a normal person around him. She isn't afraid to say when she's hungry, and asks him who his favorite artists are ("Monet and Cezanne," William smartly replies, "I like the way they play with light.") Kate has a boyfriend...but as soon as an Anglo prince starts flying your girlfriend around in his private jet, you might as well have a heart-to-heart in her dorm room, pack your bags, and be satisfied that your name will forever come up in a Google search when someone types in "Kate Middleton college boyfriend."

William's eye is captured; I realize
Jennifer Love Hewitt would have
won the Emmy for "Client List" if
it had a runway scene.
Soon, William discovers that Kate is hot when he sees her in a slutty dress, and is bringing her home with some other university buddies to meet his dad. Kate says intelligent things to Charles like "I believe that solar power is the key to our future," and damn, the girl can shoot! When both Charles and William miss a bird, she pops it right out of the sky, grinning like she's not even a commoner.

Once William and Kate start fucking, Kate insists that William meet her family, too. "Every Sunday we go to this fantastic pub, you're just going to love it!" she says to the American audience, who hasn't even noticed that in some scenes the cars are driving on the right side of the street. If you're wondering how Kate's family reacted to the prince, just envision a very special episode of 7th Heaven where royalty comes to stay at the Camden house: nervous laughter, wackiness, and luv.

William doesn't want anyone to know about their relationship, and Kate's insulted even though he was right--as soon as the public finds out about them, Kate immediately gets her crotch photographed while getting out of a car. While William's away being a fighter pilot, some old lady teaches Kate how to curtsy, and I really wished that the writers of this movie had taken the time to watch "The Princess Dairies" to see how this montage should've been done.

American audiences are content
to believe this movie was filmed
in London as long as there's
a double-decker bus.
But what good are her curtsy lessons if William refuses to come back from his piloting, which she encouraged him to do in the first place? Kate gets so pissed at William that she gets out of a car he is driving and, probably, goes and asks the security people in the car behind him for a ride home. Well, now she's done it. She and William are no longer an item, so she has to do something to get his attention! Her mom suggests she sluts it up one more time, and so she goes and dances with strange men at clubs. Sure enough, William is reading the tabloids in Iraq and sees her picture.

Once that happens, it's only a couple of Lifetime movie minutes before he's proposing to her on one knee in front of a dazzling Africa sunset.

Actors Nico Evers-Swindell and Camilla
Luddington do a creepy re-enactment of
W & K's engagement photo.
After forgetting to tape this movie when it premiered, then letting it sit on my DVR for three days before watching it, I'm happy to say that it allowed me to appreciate the pop culture frenzy that is and will be the Royal Wedding. Would I have been able to appreciate the Michael Jackson funeral if I hadn't watched "Jacksons: An American Dream" more than three dozen times with my college roommate? Well...probably. But I wouldn't have had so much fun grimacing disapprovingly at Joe Jackson the whole time. William & Kate is streaming on Lifetime while the frenzy continues, and I suggest you go watch it before you get up early to watch the shenanigans tomorrow.

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