Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Though it was on my Top 11 Lifetime Movies I'm Dying to See, I've hesitated to do a review of "My Stepson, My Lover" because I'm not sure I can do it justice (in fact, I started this blog post two months ago). But when I heard that Terry O'Quinn (aka John Locke from "Lost") was making a triumphant return to Lifetime on Monday in Taken from Me: The Tiffany Rubin Story, I knew I had to write up this classic piece of Lifetime cinema, which stars O'Quinn as the scorned husband/dad. Plus, it's one of the best Lifetime movie titles of all time (though its DVD version carries the more conservative, comma-less title of "Love Murder and Deceit").
The movie begins as Locke-from-Lost is brought into a hospital via helicopter. It's all very dramatic, and he almost dies, but an attractive nurse, Caitlin, ably does her job and he is saved. Locke-from-Lost decides he must have her, and since he's rich, this isn't so hard. When she rebuffs his advances, he donates a children's play area to the hospital, and who can resist that? Soon they're riding horses and laying in fields during their "growing romance" montage. Locke-from-Lost takes her out to eat at a restaurant that he's bought out for the night (why can't they eat around people?) and places an engagement ring inside an oyster. And who can resist that?
Post-wedding, it's not surprising that Locke-from-Lost, like most Lifetime movie men, turns into a total asshole. He's somehow able to get Caitlin a leave of absence from her job without her knowledge, and insists that instead of nursing, she needs to focus on the obligations of being a rich guy's wife. Then he takes off for South America, where his fancy cellular telephone can't get any reception, even with its 3-inch antenna (did I mention this movie is from 1997?).
Well, now Caitlin's conflicted, and a file she finds in L-f-L's office reveals that he had a PI investigate her when they were going out. So she confronts her husband when he returns from his travels, and he's more self-righteous than a crazy guy on an mystical island. FINALLY Caitlin is driven into the hot son's arms, and luckily, he's just getting out of the steaming (?) lake right as she shows up.
If you've ever seen "Deadly Vows" (not to be confused with "Fatal Vows"), you know that some actors can't really do movie making-out very well. But thanks to the combined chops of a soap opera-trained actor and the woman from Against All Odds, the PG Lifetime sex is so good you'll finding yourself wishing you had a hot-as-balls stepson of your own. (Ewww)
But at this point, the movie's only half over, and there's plenty of Lifetime-alicious action left. L-f-L receives an incriminating fax, and when Caitlin gets home from her tryst, he menancingly holds her up against a wall and yells in her face. In the next scene, Caitlin is showing up at the son's shack, but Locke-from-Lost is already there. (The only thing I can think that happened in the interim is that L-f-L drove off and Caitlin went to the bathroom...there wasn't texting back in 1997, so it's not like she had to stop to post "wtf, who's all up in my biznass? let me no if u no a bitch w a fax machine" on her Twitter.) In any case, by the time Caitlin shows up, poor Locke-from-Lost has gone the way of Locke from Lost, and is dead by the water (luckily, no possessions occur).
The next thing you know, the movie has turned into a courtroom drama where it's revealed what a ho Caitlin has been. It's also insinuated that the hottie stepson sent the incriminating fax. Even still, he gets off, and celebrates with some more A+ making out with his dead father's bride--this time in his Dad's kitchen and to the strains of rebellious electric guitar.
I really don't want to tell you what happens at the end of "My Stepson, My Lover," but you know I can't help myself. Caitlin and her new boyfriend are fighting, because he's turning into kind of an a-hole just like his dad. So they decide to rev up their sex life by going to their old sex shack / the place where their dad/husband died. While there, Caitlin remembers a sexy time when Eric showed her how to properly use tools to install a railing on a sex shack. She realizes that the nuts and bolts have been taken out, and when she whirls around, the son is all, "Looking for these?" and has them in his hands. "You killed him on purpose!" Caitlin yells, and he lunges at her--BREAKING THROUGH THE BANISTER AND FALLING, IN SLOW-MO, ONTO THE ROCKS.
OK, so this is already the best fucking Lifetime movie I've ever seen. Just imagine standing in the ladies' restroom, hearing someone you know tell you this story. You'd be so riveted, you wouldn't even care that your coworker is waiting quietly in the stall for you to leave so she can take a poop. But "My Stepson, My Lover" has a twist at the end that even I wasn't expecting. In the last scene, she leaves an important meeting of hospital administrators to go poolside and SPOON-FEED THE HOT SON, who is now A VEGETABLE!! If my all-caps don't drive home the point that this non-sensical plot twist is awesome, perhaps I should explain that Caitlin seems totally OK with this arrangement, as if it's every woman's dream to get to spoon-feed a hot guy by the pool, even though he's a parapelgic who can't speak or understand how to eat food (though he appears to have perfect neck function) and who murdered your husband. And because I've watched copious amounts of Law & Order: SVU, I know that if she wanted to get his sperm, she could easily just stick a cattle prod up his butt.
Did I go to far? Well, so did "My Stepson, My Lover," and that's why you should buy it via the link below. I'll get 20¢ of the sale, which is enough to buy 3 pieces of catfood for my cat...her heart is breaking! Please help support her now. If buying Lifetime movies on DVD isn't your thing, enjoy this YouTube video of every scene Terry O'Quinn is in, which gives you many of the good parts., if none of the sexy ones. (No seriously, fast-forward through the Terry O'Quinn under-the-sheets sex scene at 4:15...for your own good.)