Tuesday, September 7, 2010

A Crime of Passion

If you were lying in bed reading a book, and your new wife grabbed a boom-box and started gyrating near your bed post, you'd pretend to be turned on, or at least tell her she was sexy. Not Powers Boothe in "A Crime of Passion." He doesn't even lie and say he's tired. He just shrugs and says something like, "C'mon honey, you're a housewife, not some lady I have sex with!" Now, we all know what's gonna happen here. And if Powers Boothe were J. Walter Weatherman, the one-armed man from Arrested Development, he'd say, "And THAT'S why you don't ignore your sexy wife's striptease!"

The wife, Marci (with a i), responds the way any Lifetime woman (variety: bad) would. She storms out of the house and goes to the strip club she used to work at, hits on some guy, then makes out with him in the parking lot. Unfortunately, when you're making out in the parking lot of the only strip club in town, a friend of your husband's is bound to notice and tell him, and Powers Boothe is none too happy when he confronts Marci on the stairs of their house (what is it with Lifetime movies and stairs?). After he tells her she's a ho and he's going to leave her, Marci bursts into the kind of crippling tears only the star of a Lifetime movie can muster, then runs back to the guy she was making out with and fucks his brains out.

As the name of the daylong marathon was "Dial LMN for Murder," the next logical step in this movie was, of course, Powers' stabbing and subsequent death slouch/"And that's why you don't ignore your wife's striiipppp teeeeasssee" moment. (OK, I just imagined that second part. But it really would have been awesome.)

In most Lifetime movies, it's a quick trip to the murderer being discovered just as he's about to kill someone else. But wait! Did you know this movie has TRACEY GOLD in it? And Tracey's kid sister Jessie Gold? They play Powers' kids from his first marriage, and although Jessie hearts her new step-mom, Tracey HATES her, and knows she must be behind the murder. Extra-motivated because the cops suspect her of killing her own father, she does a little investigating of her own and ends up on the side of the road with the stripclub boyfriend.

"Marci DID kill my father, didn't she?!" Tracey asks.
"I don't know. All I know is that she asked me to find someone to kill him." He replies.

Soon, Tracey and her sis are tied up in the guy's basement, and even though he's not even a suspect in the first murder, the guy decides that the best thing to do would be to kill the Golds to "take care of them once and for all." But Tracy has a tennis racquet, and she knows how to use it! She whaps the guy in one of those Lifetime-fu moments that usually leads to a broken neck (I'm surprised there were no stairs for him to fall down). And with a little help from Marci, who has finally gotten over the humiliation of an ignored strip tease, the Golds are freed and the cops show up.

The only way this movie could have been any better is if, at that moment, Marci turned to the camera and said, "And that's why, you don't ignore, your wife's striptease."

In fact, the name of this movie really should have been "A Crime of Ignoring Your Wife's Striptease." Because really, who ignores their hot wife's striptease?

2 comments:

  1. I'm curious -- did you ever write film reviews? I mean, for a publication or something. Not that "doing it for yourself" (and us) isn't a good enough reason. But you're a natural.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think I'm only good at writing reviews of bad movies that I like anyway....

    ReplyDelete

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