Don't let The Preacher's Daughter fool you--even though there are some censored-out "fucks" in it, it's not a "real" movie. It's a born-for-LMN insta-classic! (OK, I'll admit it, I classify any Lifetime movie with a clergymember and sex in it an insta-classic.) How couldn't it be, with a name like that? According to IMDb, there's never been a TV movie called "The Preacher's Daughter," so a movie had to be written, and it looks like it practically wrote itself. (As did the reality show of the almost-same name.)
|The preacher's daughter gets arrested in a leopard-print tank|
Anyway, Hannah and her boyfriend get arrested, and she calls her dad the preacher to come pick her up at jail. In order to get a more lenient sentence, she agrees to go live in his custody again.
|The church listens to Teenager Hannah singing|
"The Glory of My Longing," a song so annoying and
so relentlessly played in LMN commercials for this
movie that I still get it stuck in my head on occasion.
These trips down memory lane begin when she's not only blonde, but clean-cut, wearing modest clothing and attending her dad's sermons with the rest of her family. There's a hot "music minister" whose job consists of 1) directing the congregation during hymns and 2) giving Hannah personal music lessons. The Hot Music Minister spends a lot of time getting her to sing from her diaphram by placing his hands all over it, which naturally leads to bear hugs from behind, which leads to making out in a pew, which leads to unprotected sex in the Sunday school room!!
|Andrew Bowen does her best "I just had unprotected sex|
with the Hot Music Minister like an hour ago and now
my Preacher Dad is making me sit on his lap" face.
Was a beautiful thing seeing her give-up her Christian innocence that way. A gentleman, he took it slow, the way any good man should do if they were blessed to have a Christian virgin. And it was Christian lovemaking, she not stopping him as he forever took away her precious virginity. Could see her a naïve Christian girl not worried about protection and letting him show her what guys would expect from her.And how!
|The Hot Music Minister angrily throws the racy photo|
his teenaged girlfriend left him in her face
This is a Lifetime movie, so all of that sin isn't about to go unpunished. Hannah's pregnant, of course, and when she tells HMM, he seems shocked that he could get a teenager pregnant. It's really hard to feel sorry for a guy who has four kids, is banging his boss's teenaged daughter in a church, and doesn't have the smarts or the respect to put a rubber on it. Meanwhile, poor Hannah is all, "do you think abortion is a sin?"
I thought this move might break the #1 rule of Lifetime movies (no abortions, ever), especially when Hannah and her goth friend make it all the way to an abortion clinic. But a group of angry protesters intimidate the girls into turning the car around, even though that goes against everything we've learned about both characters through the rest of the movie.
|Hannah and her goth friend|
Sometimes, like in The Preacher's Daughter, it's a twist so weird that you completely miss it the first time you see the movie, can't believe you actually saw it the second time, and on the third time say, "OK, I'm really going to pay attention during this part because did that really happen?"
Unfortunately, the movie isn't currently available anywhere online, so I'm telling you the following scene from memory. Until it comes back on LMN and you can confirm for yourself, you will just have to take it as Lifetime legend:
Late one night after Hannah and the goth friend were scared away from the abortion clinic never to return, they are parked in the friend's car on the side of the road somewhere. Hannah is all upset because she doesn't know what to do about her growing fetus. Some creepy state trooper dude comes and knocks on the window, and is giving them shit, and the goth girl gives him shit back (because she's goth and hates authority, duh). After telling them that that they should watch out for "the boogeyman" so late at night, he asks why Hannah is so upset and says, "Maybe I can help." And then Hannah says in voiceover, "it turns out he could help," and explains that he had "some pills" that she took and they made her miscarry.
GURL, don't you realize those are the same pills they would have given you at the abortion clinic?? Wouldn't it have been better to get them from a doctor/pharmacist than a shifty-ass state trooper guy? Was he even a state trooper? Did you pay him for these pills??? Why did he have those pills in the first place?? Is this what conservatives think Plan B is?? What did I just see??
So, yeah, apparently she got a back-alley medical abortion and moved away, dyed her hair black, and hooked up with the drug dealer guy from the beginning of the movie. So that's what happened between the time of the flashbacks and the "present day." But it gets even more Lifetimey.
|Who could have known it was a wig??|
But when she's leaving, HMM is there waiting for her! He's all, "What the hell happened to the flashback storyline? I was in it, super-confused as to how I could have knocked up someone who isn't my wife, and the next thing you know you're in the 'present day' again and I'm practically out of the movie!" She tells him about the shifty abortion pills, and he says, "But why didn't you go get an abortifacient from a gynecologist, so that you know it's approved by the FDA?" Just kidding! Of course he doesn't say that. He says nothing, because abortion is a strange and dangerous thing, folks, and no matter how you do it, you're going straight to hell, for sure.
And that's why Hannah never comes home that night--no, not the night of the abortion pill flashback, the night she runs into HMM outside the restaurant. The Preacher Dad goes looking for Hannah, and is momentarily sidetracked by the drug-dealing boyfriend from the beginning of the movie who's come to town to see her. Preacher Dad attacks him, painfully pinning his shoulder behind his back and demanding to know where his daughter is before he even politely asks for information. The drug-dealer doesn't know, so the dad heads to the restaurant, where Hannah's coworker tells him about seeing her with "the clean-cut guy who brings his family in here" and that Hannah seemed uncomfortable. Preacher Dad is all, OMG, that must have been Hot Music Minister, and he must have gotten Hannah pregnant and that's why she left town! There's a flashback where HMM tries to resign but won't say why, and Preacher Dad won't let him. Now it all makes sense!
|Hannah is so weak after her dip in the baptismal font that|
HMM has to carry her from his car all the way up the stairs into
her room (apparently) while her mom yells "Oh my heavens!"
Hannah has a younger brother of the typical Lifetime variety, a very minor character on the sidelines who is there to show the effects of his family being ripped apart and maybe insert some comedy in the beginning and end of the movie. Here, he tries to throw a punch at HMM after his dad confronts him about his relationship with his daughter, and Preacher Dad stops him, saying that they don't do that in this family. (Yes, the same guy who almost broke the drug-dealer dude's arm.)
|Hannah and her goth friend, who now wears colorful sweaters|
The Preacher's Daughter isn't on LMN's current schedule but it's available on RedBox with a strangely designed cover that has nothing to do with the movie.